Laughter and Tears

Hannah Dong En continues to amaze us with the way she is adjusting to all the changes in her life. The first couple of days, she called Jay "Baba," but didn't refer to me as "Mama." We didn't push the issue. Now, she calls me "Mama," and when she sees a picture of me, she points and says "Ma-maaa" in such a sweet tone it melts my heart.

The day before yesterday we stopped at a little shop to buy her some dresses. I went around a corner and, for the first time, she called out for me when she could no longer see me. I came back immediately and she gave me a huge grin.

She also gives both of us a questioning look if she's not sure if should do something. Then she waits for us to indicate yes or no.

Normally, she does exactly what we ask and we praise her for being "very obedient." That praise, along with being "very pretty," and "very smart," are how Chinese people convey affection to their children. As you can imagine, we use those words constantly with her. Although Chinese people do not tell children they love them, we tell her we love her constantly as well. (Chinese people traditionally show  their love with care and actions and praise.)

She can also be pretty rambunctious. She loves to play chasing games. She'll run a couple of steps and look back and smile. We'll ask her to come back, but instead, she'll run a couple of more steps, then look back and smile again. When we take a step toward her, she'll take off running full speed, laughing hysterically.

Unfortunately, we had to be a bit stern with her about not running while we toured a museum yesterday because we didn't want to lose her!! At first, she just laughed and avoided eye contact with us when we were telling her "not good," and "you need to stay with Mama and Baba." After several of these attempts, she started to get the message. On the bus home, she cried big, silent tears and we felt like monsters. It was the first time she had cried since we brought her back to the hotel. Because she cried silently, we are worried someone told her she should not cry.

Today, she again cried silently as the bus came back to the hotel after a short excursion to a beautiful park and botanical garden. Jay and I think the bus rides might be triggering some grief over all the transitions she's had to make. We are her sixth  set of caregivers in 3 short years.

She was still crying softly when we got back to the room. Jay held her in his arms on the bed and I lay down next to them. He again told her in Cantonese that it was okay to cry. When he did, she started to cry harder. He kept telling her it was okay and she started to cry harder and harder and harder until she was literally screaming in agony. Several times, she screamed "Mama," but she didn't mean me. Her grief was so raw, it made Jay and I both cry. No child should have to endure what she's been through. She cried for about 25 minutes, and then reached for me. I held her and rocked her and she slowly started to recover. Within a few minutes, she was smiling again. Ben whimpered a few times, but otherwise held up okay.

Although it was difficult to watch, we are relieved that she is beginning to feel safe enough with us to show her feelings, good or bad. While we love her fun side, we realize there will probably be many moments like the one we had today. She's been through so much (far too much ) in her short life and it will take time for her to heal.

When not grieving, which is most of the time, she has a fantastic sense of humor. The picture of her putting on her Baba's socks in the last post conveys a glimpse of it. Like children the world over, she also thinks underpants are very funny. We looked at a picture book the other night that had a page about clothing. One of the pictures was underpants. She laughed, then showed us her underpants. The word Cantonese children use for underpants sounds like "foo foo," (fu fu, Iiterally pants pants) which Ben thinks is hilarious. Sometimes it's hard to get the two of them dressed in the morning because once we get their underpants on, they start laughing and running around shouting "fu fu! fu fu!"

We got out Hannah Dong En's swimming suit, which she also thought was fu fu, for the first time yesterday. After Jay explained it was a swimming suit, she couldn't wait to try it out. We went down to the pool and even though the water was cold, she got right in and loved it. Jay was in the locker room changing into his suit when she got in, and he could hear her squealing with laughter all the way from the pool. Sadly, no one is allowed to take photos in the pool area. The one we've attached was taken in our room.

Our hotel it beautiful, but it is hard for us to get used to everyone who waits on us. Each floor has an attendant one of whose main jobs is to stand at a podium outside the elevators to help us get in and out of them. She pushes the elevator button whenever she sees us (or anyone) coming so the elevator will be waiting when we get there. Then she escorts us into the elevator, holding the door. When we arrive back on our floor, she is there to escort us out of the elevator and point the way to our room. At night, a different woman comes to our room to turn back the covers on our bed, give us chocolates, slippers, fresh towels, and anything else we might want. There are workers everywhere to wait on us hand and foot.

Two evenings ago, we met an 11-year-old boy outside a shop. He was playing with a yo-yo like a professional. We were chatting with another couple from our travel group and he surprised us by joining the conversation in English. He said his parents had sent him to live with his aunt in the U.S. when he was 5, and he'd moved back last year. He said he missed his parents at first, but was anxious to go back to the U.S. where school is easier. Here, he goes to school from 7:30 a.m. until 5:30 p.m. every weekday. There are 42 kids in his class and one teacher. His parents also pay extra for him to attend school for 1/2 a day on Saturday and take English and math classes. He wants to be a scientist when he grows up, and I have no doubt he'll succeed.

We also met a local woman with a little girl who stopped to talk to us in English as we took a walk along the river. She asked about Dong En, then told us she would like to have a second child, but her family can't afford it. She said the government bases the fine for extra children on a family's salary. The more money the family makes, the higher the fine. She said it is equivalent to one year's gross income.

Last night, our friend Cheng joined us in Guangzhou. Cheng was one of our roommates when I was in law school. After the kids went to sleep, we all stayed up talking past midnight. He grew up in Shanghai, and it is so interesting to hear his perspective on all the ways China has changed even in the last 20 years. We hope to see him again tonight before he has to leave on business.

Thanks for all the email from our friends and family at home. Although we don't have time to respond to every message, we do read every message and your support means so much to us!!